Okay, I lied.
My method for winning an argument in five seconds isn’t really winning an argument at all. But if you follow the point, whether you can win an argument becomes a moot point.
My method? The same one presented by Dale Carnegie in his classic How to Win Friends and Influence People—don’t get into an argument in the first place.
So, yea, technically this won’t win you an argument. But certainly in five seconds, you can determine if an argument is worth getting into in the first place. And that is my point.
Every time you appear to be on the verge of jumping into an argument, promise yourself five free seconds. Whether it’s face to face, on social media, in an Internet forum, with a stranger, with your spouse, just stop and give yourself that five.
And if you can’t come up with a compelling reason to get into the argument, walk away. Avoid it. Move on. You may not win that argument, but you will certainly “win” that interaction.
Carnegie also makes the point that the second you start to argue, you stop persuading. Before it’s an argument, it is merely a discussion, and perhaps both sides are open-minded enough to consider the other’s viewpoint. In such a discussion you can have a meaningful exchange of ideas. You can share yours, but also be open to the possibility that the other has ideas of his own which are better, or at least can influence your own stance.
But once an argument starts, both sides harden, and opinions crystalize into stubbornness. It is no longer about a free flowing exchange of perspectives; now it is about ego. Who will WIN. Who is RIGHT.
All logic and empathy are thrown out when this happens. This is not an argument anyone wins. Even if you actually “score” a good point or “shut them up,” do you really win? More likely you have achieved only the loss of a friend, or any chance of a relationship with the person with whom you are arguing.
Five seconds is a good long, deep breath. Take that breath and consider what is about to happen. Does this argument serve you? Even if you don’t see any value in an extended relationship with your opponent (such as a random stranger online), is that argument-to-be whether the negative energy it creates in you, influencing your entire mindset, maybe ruining your day? If your argument can be viewed by others, is it worth the social capital you lose by appearing to be argumentative or if you say something that you can’t take back?
Some arguments can’t be avoided. I understand that. If someone is directly challenging you on something of extreme and personal importance to you, such as the care of your child, or the details of an accident, or an accusation at work, or a difference of opinion with your significant other, then you must do what you must do.
But even then, take those five seconds of consideration. If you must engage in an argument, a little time before diving in allows you to be calm, rational and ready. Emotion is never your friend in an argument. That time you take at the start may allow some of it to dissipate before you proceed.
Almost no one changes their minds in an argument. It is a fruitless exercise in almost every instance. Perhaps if you use five seconds to consider that fact, you will save yourself fifteen minutes of anger, spite and vitriol.