“Naw, not the volleyball girls.”
I hope no sane, straight man will ever say these words again, but I uttered them today to two friends of mine. We had met up for an early breakfast in Hermosa Beach, at which I had admitted to them that I needed improvement at approaching women.
Steve and James were gung-ho to get me out there right away. We stood in front of the beach front café and surveyed the landscape. They pointed me toward a small team of attractive female beach volleyball players. To which I uttered the above phrase.
I’m as straight as they come, so this was a nutty thing to say. But I was inside the bubble. The Comfort Bubble.
It’s safe in the Comfort Bubble. No one can hurt you. You are completely confident in whatever you are doing. And you can stay there as long as you like. I am good at talking to people, courtesy of three decades in the service industry. I can go up to almost anyone, introduce myself and just start gabbing. This is all safely in my Bubble.
What is outside the Bubble? Like many men, for me it is talking to beautiful women. Or even just attractive ones. At least when the goal is to talk them up, get their number and ask them out.
So from the safety of my Bubble, I didn’t want to go up to five beautiful volleyball players, and interrupt their team play planning. They looked busy, I reasoned. There are five of them and only one of me. They had a reason to be there, and I did not. It didn’t matter what reason I gave, because I was inside my Bubble and I wasn’t budging.
The problem with the Bubble is that things always stay the same. For some, that might be enough. But it’s not for me. I want to be a better person. I want to grow. I want to be confident in things I am not currently confident in. So staying inside the Bubble is the antithesis of what I am trying to do.
My friends knew this and kept prodding me to go out there. Steve would point at one woman or another walking down the beach walkway and urge me to go introduce myself.
James, perceiving I wasn’t going to be able to crash through to instant Lothario, decided a baby steps approach would work best. He got up and laid down in the middle of the walkway, heedless of passersby, whether they were on two legs, four or bikes. And he just laid there. People walked around him, staring as they passed. He smiled and said nothing. Eventually he started doing leg rotations in the air. He got up and started twirling around, proclaiming himself to be Daddy’s little ballerina.
He made his point. I had to go out there, let go of the judgment of others and be prepared to put the spotlight on myself for no reason other than my own entertainment.
So I laid down on the walkway where James had been. I did snow angels. The café owner came out to be sure I was okay (and he was uncertain of the value of a customer lying down unmoving at the front of his restaurant). I got up and started dancing and doing active aerobics. Steve said to give a woman a high five. The first one I approached ignored me and I laughed. The second one gave me the high five. Good enough.
Steve then said to go up to some women, and having warmed up, I actually did. Nothing crazy. I mostly made jokes. I asked a woman if she had whiskey in her store bought coffee (she said yes she did with a smile). I asked another why she was walking her bike instead of riding it.
My friends had gotten me out of my Bubble and showed me how I could use baby steps to break through that wall. This is no earth shattering revelation, since it works for nearly every new thing we do. We build up to the actual activity with small undertakings, gaining confidence with each successive level up.
And so I grew today. I left my Bubble and did something I had never really done before. Now that I have done it once, I know I can do it again. It will be easier to let go.
What can you do to break out of your Bubble today?