“Be content to seem what you really are.”
–Marcus Aurelius
Anyone who follows my blog for even a short bit of time will know how I feel about Marcus Aurelius, the philosopher-emperor of Rome in the second century C.E. He is, more or less, my guide to life.
I am also a big fan of Ryan Holiday, bestselling author of Ego Is the Enemy. I subscribe to Holiday’s email list through his Daily Stoic website, and one time he put forth that we should all choose to have a witness to our actions. A judge, leader, aspirant, and guide. I should select someone on whom I can model my ideology and answer the question “whom do I aspire to be?”
I chose Marcus. He was at the pinnacle of power in his world, and yet his writings reveal he was a constantly troubled and thoughtful man, wary of his access to that power.
I don’t seek power, and neither did Marcus. I seek only to be the best man I can be, and to live a life of value, both to myself and to others, as did he. Marcus’s own struggles between his values as a man and the requirements of his role in Roman society demonstrated his naked humanity to me. His real-ness.
So when my Stoic quote app greeted me with the above Marcus quote one morning, it struck me with its simplicity and power and relevance. It is exactly the sort of struggle he would have been challenged by.
I think about how often I have spent time maintaining appearances, time, that most valuable resource, which, once again, is never to return or be replenished.
And I look around at the world around me, and I again, only see appearances, perceptions, fronts, facades. It’s not just on the most obvious forums either, such as Facebook or Instagram. We do it with our spouses. We do it with our children and parents. With our best friends. Our co-workers. Our boss. Random strangers we happen to run into.
We spend so much of our days crafting an image, and then, having done so, we spend so much more time ensuring that the curtain is not pulled away, and that no one can see who we really are.
I strive for reality, and I don’t make an outward effort to hide my struggles. But I also don’t advertise them. Maybe I should. If I have something to hide, then I am not being true to myself. I must work to be content to seem my real self.
I don’t talk about my acceptance that I am forty-five years old, no girlfriend in sight and unlikely to ever marry or have children. And even more, I don’t talk about the fact that all of that doesn’t particularly bother me.
I don’t talk about the fact that I work a lot of hours at something which is merely a placeholder for me until I find something else I really want to do.
I don’t talk about my feeling that I am not making enough money for my goals, and that I fear I must leave my home in Fullerton to achieve them, in another, cheaper state than California.
I don’t talk about how often I think to do the things I should do as a purported man of action, only too often to fall short because I also enjoy being comfortable and complacent.
I perceive the world around me and see so many fake visions of life. Who among us lives their life without a veil? There is much pain to be found in that revealed life, yes. Friends who saw you one way and then discovered you were another may never speak with you again. People may shun you if they understand who you really are.
Your fear that the real you will be rejected is grounded in your own assurance that you must be a worse human being than most others around you, on the inside.
I tell you,, this is not true. I firmly believe we ALL are really people some others might choose to avoid, were we our true selves in public. There are no saints. So, set that fear aside.
Also, know this. That image you have created which protects you from so much pain also keeps you from leading your true life. Image is a time sink, and a waste of energy. Propriety and political correctness are just euthanized terms for external validation and false indignation, neither of which is a value anyone in his or her true self would choose to espouse.
Your image then necessarily differs from what really matters to you on the inside. So, not only do you waste time and energy fabricating this vision of yourself, but you are also constantly warring between your true valued beliefs and the conventions of your constructed appearance. This adds unnecessary stress, angst and anxiety to your life.
Is this the life you want to lead? Life is hard enough on its own. Do you really need to carry the weight of expectations of others along with it?
Be content to seem what you really are. And you will find freedom.