Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to meet up with my online mastermind group in upstate New York. It was an amazing bonding experience for me, getting to meet so many other men of like mind and passion for improving themselves.
There are a lot of things I could tell you about my trip, such as that Earl Rich Stadium (where the Bills play) looks tiny from the outside, that Betzly Park is an underrated little gem in the middle of Toronto and that poutine tastes good but is way too filling.
But the real draw was hanging with these eight other men in person, after months, even years of only seeing them online, or speaking with them on the phone.
The Internet has become an amazing tool for connecting people whom are too far from each other to get together. But it can only do so much. There is a powerful in-person experience when you meet someone that simply cannot be replicated on social media or over a Zoom or Skype call.
Here are the five most important things I learned from my weekend getaway:
Everyone Has Problems: I know, not exactly a mind-blowing concept, right? But if you look around the world, you see two things. One, almost no one projects their problems to the world, either through social media or other public avenues. Everyone lives a perfect life, with a perfect significant other and perfect kids. If something happens that is negative, some (maybe most) are likely to post about it, but it will be what has happened to them. Rarely does someone post about things they themselves are at fault for.
Two, most people are so self-involved with their own difficulties that they don’t even think about the fact others do have their own problems. Meeting these men in person allowed me a window into their lives and them into mine, where they could safely acknowledge those issues without judgment.
Advice of the Many Trumps the Few: Ever heard the term “there is more than one way to skin a cat?” Of course you have. Too often, though, we only see one way out of whatever is plaguing us in the moment. We latch upon the first solution, regardless of whether it is the best option or not. We reason it is better to have a quick solution and get after it, rather than pondering many options and objectively choosing the correct one, but at the cost of time.
Part of the problem is while that first solution might or might not be the best one, it will almost certainly be the option you are most comfortable with, the most “obvious.” And the trouble with that is it often does not take into consideration the problems it creates. It’s a one move solution when we often need to see three or four moves ahead to arrive at the correct response.
Sure, you could fix that minor engine issue in your old beat up car and keep it going for another few months, and drop more than the value of the car doing it. That’s the easy option. The best option may be to finally let it go and get yourself a better, safer and more reliable car.
People often need the help of others to see the solutions that are past their own noses. And that is what I saw in New York. A group of men with differing perspectives, coming at problems from different directions. The resulting opinions gave any one man several paths to consider to fix his complication. And the mere existence of so many options almost necessitates the use of reason and objectivity by which to compare them, never a bad thing.
Brothers Get Your Back: One friend drove me down from Toronto to Buffalo and back for this meetup. A large group returned to pick me up when I had missed them leaving for a trail hike. When costs for groceries or restaurant visits came up, several of us handed over our credit cards without delay, never seeking immediate repayment. Indeed, in the days after, there were far more of us seeking to pay those whom had done so, than there those were asking to be paid.
A lot of heroic tales are built on the notion of the self-empowered man, and, indeed, that is what all of us on this trip are seeking to become. But as John Donne said, “no man is an island.” We are all part of society, and we thrive in a community. This very clearly works on a macro scale, but it is a lot more apparent in smaller groupings like these.
Men in particular are similar to wolves. They will form a pack. They will work together and support each other. They will not allow one to suffer at the hands of another. There is an unstated recognition that what is good for the pack is good for its members.
In a brotherhood, the group members give without expectation of that favor being returned. They mark it down as the cost of being in the pack, and they do so with no second guessing or reservation.
Accountability Is Unavoidable In Person: In any group, not only is communal sacrifice a key element of any band of brothers, but so is accountability.
Across Wi-Fi over thousands of miles, it is easy to push off the questions of others and to avoid being challenged. But that cannot be done so easily in-person. There is no escape, as there is online, where one can break the connection, or refuse to respond or offer up vague responses. You are there—you cannot run. You must face your brothers.
This is taken seriously, for it is as important to the pack that each member carries his own weight as it is to provide support to all without condition. If you have issues you need to address which leave you weak or inhibited, your weakness necessarily also hurts the pack. So there is interest in the others to resolve these concerns, and to offer help.
Many a man, likely every one on this trip, had to answer hard questions. And in answering them, they were forced to look upon themselves, see where they were falling short and accept the unspoken directive that they must improve. Both for themselves and for their brothers.
Nature Is Healing For The Soul: I live in Southern California. Without the aid of a cajillion gallons of water from other parts of the country, this would be a desert wasteland. Green, while present, does not grow wildly and naturally here. Add to that the endless spread of suburbia and the notion of getting out into nature here is akin to driving through rush hour traffic at the speed limit: it just doesn’t happen.
In upstate New York, there was immense natural beauty everywhere. Tall, green forest shrouded the house we stayed at. Two large ponds sat at the back of the property. Cicadas and crickets offered up their various sounds to the night. Wild deer leapt through the property.
One of my favorite moments from this trip was leaving the others for a short while and simply experiencing nature. I walked down to the ponds with a chair, a book and a beer, and I sat in the shade and contemplated the world about me. It was calming and cleansing.
Most of us live in large cities or ever growing towns, and all we see is concrete. When you get back to nature, you reconnect with where we truly came from. We can put up walls to keep it out, but nonetheless, it is a part of us, and we it.
If you get the chance to meet people in person, take every opportunity you get.